Just Who Is CappyPrincess?

Depending on who you ask, you may get very different answers to that question. Some days I wonder if I know the complete answer to that question myself. So let me give you a snapshot of my life and go from there. There are stories within this story which can be told at a later date, but it will help some of you to know why I am attracted to your blogs.

40 years ago I was born to mom and dad who were happily starting their life together. Along came a couple more kids and then their life together came apart. Life became a string of step-parents and step-siblings and wondering why my parents couldn't be perfect (after all, aren't everyone else's parents perfect?). My mother dealt with her own physical and emotional issues, my father was off taking care of himself somewhere, and we children ended up raising each other most of the time. I became a "system bucker" in high school - daring to push the envelope every chance I could just for the sake of shock. I survive being repeatedly molested in my own home. I got past the stigma of growing up on welfare, which according to everyone I ever encountered as a youth made me one step above trash. I put myself through 4 years of private college and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Speech Communication and Theater Arts. And then I got the heck out of Dodge.

I spent the better part of 2 years living in Chicago and the surrounding area. Having gone from a town of 3500 to a city of that size was culture shock to say the least. During that period I had the opportunity to reconnect with my father, get to know his new wife and meet a new baby brother. I relocated to Wisconsin, joined the Mormon Church, met my husband to be... life was nearing perfect.

In my head I had a picture of having a family, being a stay at home mother while raising a parcel of children, being the perfect wife. Needless to say that the pictures in our head don't always come to fruition. Shortly after our marriage, we had our first miscarriage. If it hadn't been for a coincidental physical, we probably would not have known we were pregnant as I started bleeding within just a few days of a positive beta in the doctor's office. Of course we were disappointed, but we managed to move on and quickly became pregnant again. This pregnancy was fairly uneventful, until at a 24 week appointment it was determined I was carrying a dead baby (19w2d). I delivered after an induced labor 4 days later and left the hospital the next day having never seen my daughter.

We relocated to southwest Missouri and experienced another miscarriage about 8 months later. By this time we'd been married for just 18 months and I just knew that I was never going to have the family I wanted so badly. My marriage began falling apart but of course we ignored that for entirely to long. And of course we kept trying to get pregnant, knowing that a baby would fix everything. Instead of getting pregnant, we instead went through nearly 3 years of infertility - blamed of course on my lack of ovulation (seems like a lot of things were "my fault"). While we tried some medications to stimulate ovulation, we never took the more drastic measure of assisted conception, instead focusing on work for me and education for him. And then oops. We got pregnant. I'd say I'm not quite sure how - we literally were ships passing in the night most of the time - but apparently someone with a higher power than myself decided it was time for us to start our family.
I didn't stop holding my breath until my son (born at 38w2d) was placed in my arms. And then we were so blessed that 354 days later my second daughter (38w3d) was placed in my arms as well.

We moved again - back to Wisconsin - decided to get divorced, made certain arrangements for the children to be with my husband and then I fell apart. There are way too many little "if onlys" to even begin to go down that road. However, in a nutshell I made bad decisions. I got involved in an abusive relationship. I nearly lost all contact with my children. I rebelled (no big surprise) against the Church and was excommunicated. I had to find my low to find my way back.

I was lucky. I haven't been permanently scarred by my negative experiences. I recognize how they do affect my perceptions and reactions, though. I have a good relationship with my children, one for which I thank God daily. I have a decent relationship with my ex husband and his wife: it's not perfect but we've worked hard on making co-parenting as positive as possible. I still don't have "the perfect family" as I had pictured in my head, but I have a family, people I love and who love me - and we're figuring out how to make those relationships work on healthy levels that haven't always existed. And I recognize that families are more than just people who share parents - families share love and life and they come in all shapes and sizes. And sometimes they live in different houses, sometimes they don't.

I am a mother. I am a friend. I am a sister. I am a daughter, a granddaughter, and a niece. I've been a lover, a girl friend, and a wife. But above all, I'm a human being and my story may not be Hollywood worthy or even that inspirational to most people. But it's my story and my love. And I hope to share much more about how I love the people in my life.