Happy Celebration of Womanhood!

(note, I don't think it's an official day but it sounds good to me)

Many things go through my head when I think of Mother’s Day: questions, memories, hopes and expectations. Why is it we have a day to honor mothers? Why not a day to honor all women regardless if they are mothers or not? Why do we place mothers on some pedestal like the simple fact of giving birth makes them more special?

Please, don’t misunderstand. I think mothers can be wonderful people. But there’s more to being a mother than having children playing around your ankles.

I remember the first Mother’s Day after I was married. We had just lost our first pregnancy and while I had felt grief about that loss, it didn’t really seem “that hard” [remember I basically found out I was pregnant as I was miscarrying] until Mother’s Day. The Primary children were dotingly presenting each mother in the ward with a flower after Sacrament meeting. That’s when it hit me. I wasn’t a mother. And I so desperately wanted to be, to have that revered title, to experience a different level of love than I had ever imagined possible. But I wasn’t a mother.

Of course a few months later, I was ticking off the calendar on the arrival of baby #2 and knowing that at the next Mother’s Day, I would be one of those lucky women who not only received a flower, I would be holding a wiggling wee bundle of my own. As it turns out, that didn’t happen. Instead I labored and delivered and left a hospital maternity ward with nothing but a sense of failure – just how hard is it to have a baby anyway? At the time, people were not talking about failed pregnancies, miscarriage and loss – I suppose folks thought it too private or didn’t know how to put words to emotions. I felt alone and trapped with my own emotions, and I’m sure I shut out a good deal of support on my journey toward finding peace again.

Mother’s Day #2 rolled by. No baby. And as I watched, again, all of the mothers at church be presented with their honorary token, I felt anger – why not me? Why does everyone forget that I had a baby. That child grew in me and died in me. Doesn’t that make me a mother too? But you aren’t allowed to say those things out loud – at least that’s what it felt like.

Then shortly after, we lost baby #3. It’s so hard to keep any sort of positive attitude. Everyone around you wants you to be alright – even to the point that sometimes you feel like you have to put on a fake smile and pretend. But we all grieve in different ways and we all need different amounts of time and space to deal with whatever losses we’ve incurred. Some people turn to substances such as alcohol or drugs, some people turn to exercise or food, some people turn to God – I made work my solace. I was good at work. I knew what I was doing and there was always plenty of work to keep my mind busy. In the process I was shutting out my husband – we made our own mistakes, and certainly the breakdown in our marriage wasn’t one of his fault or my fault, but we had a Bishop who decided to be helpful in his counsel (well intended man but grrrrrrrrrr). He asked me one day in a brief meeting to discuss a church calling, “When are you going to quit your job to be a real wife and mother?” Excuse me?????!!! Needless to say I pushed church to the wayside as well for a while after that conversation.

After awhile I just gave up. Obviously I wasn’t ever going to be a mother. But I came to resent that day – that horrid, horrid day that honored those women who had been fortunate enough to produce a living child but left in a void those of us who’d borne children to various stages of development.

I was fortunate and life changed several years later. But not everyone who struggles with infertility or childlessness is as fortunate. To those mothers and to all women I say I hope you are able to celebrate your womanhood. You may not always find joy at the end of the day or happiness in each waking hour. More importantly, know that you are not alone. Remember that you are special, just as special as those we label mother and without you the world would be missing an important piece. I remember those childless Mother's Days. And I remember your right to celebrate as well. Happy Celebration of Womanhood!