An Open Letter From a Live Apart Parent

Dear co-parent, stepparent, religious leader, educator, friend, family and nosey neighbor (as if any of the neighbors are actually reading),

It has come to my attention that many of you may not understand fully the complexity of being a live apart parent and for that, I would like to ask you to take a closer look at the reality of people, like me, who live apart from their children only because the children cannot live in two place at the same time and someone has to be the live apart parent.

The decision to be the live apart parent is one that is often made with a heavy heart but with a hope that in making responsible decisions the children will benefit from the love and nurturing of all of their parents despite the fact that their parents found it impossible to continue to love and nurture each other. Sometimes the decision is based on physical ability or mental capacity. Sometimes the decision is based on physical location and the needs of the child. Sometimes the decision is based on the resources available to each parent at the time the decision is made to co-parent from different households. And every once in awhile the decision is made by the court system because the parents were unable to decide amongst themselves the best interest of the children. My situation does not fall into the latter category and let me tell you honestly, that it more than bothers me when you assume that the reason my kids don’t live with me is that the courts must have decided I was unfit in some way.

I admit that I am far from perfect. I also admit that at times react very emotionally when it comes to issues concerning my children – don’t most parents regardless of where they live? But when you are the live apart parent, you miss out on so much of your children’s lives that it literally hurts. Rarely do you get the opportunity to experience your child’s first tooth loss and the visit from the tooth fairy. You may miss out on special activities at school because of a breakdown in communication. Your child is sometimes torn between wanting both parents and wanting no parents because of underlying tension (which wouldn’t exist in a perfect world, but this is not a perfect world). And when a third, or sometimes fourth, parental figure is added to the mix, those decisions and desires your child has get more complicated and they will experience a roller coaster of emotions about things that really shouldn’t be complicated at all. They may say everything is fine or they may act out. Either way, the children will be affected, and it may not be noticeable at a casual glance. But there is nothing that tears at this parent’s heart more than seeing the wear and tear of making those decisions on the face of a child.

Keep in mind that many time children who have live apart parents will notice that their parents have different parenting style and perhaps different expectations of them. Some children will try to manipulate this fact to their advantage. Other times the parent not setting the expectation will view the differences as a personal attack. Most of the time, however, the problem can be easily rectified with an effort at clear communication. Obviously there are going to be differences in parenting approaches and parents are not likely to see every issue eye to eye – if they did they might still be together, right? The important thing is that we try to have similar rules and similar consequences and when possible similar routines so that the child comes to know this is what their parents expect of them. When the parents don’t agree, it’s not ok to make the child feel bad because of a disagreement about the expectations. If you have an issue with the way I, as the live apart parent set the rules and consequences in my home, then ask me but do not place my child in the middle of a dispute you have with me concerning how things operate in my home.

When kids are participating in community events – church, school, scouts, sports, etc – please be aware that not all co-parent situations have effective communication. If you are the educator, scout leader or coach for my child, I may have questions about how they are doing, what they are doing, and what is coming up for that activity. It would really be helpful, especially since we know that children are not responsible for communication and rarely are they able to effectively communicate, if you as their program leader would keep both households informed. I realize this is an extra call, email or letter for you but it would make a world of difference in my support of your program if you could make sure I know what is happening. Just because I live apart from my child does not mean I am unwilling to support you in your endeavors with extra eyes, hands or materials. Don’t be afraid to ask me to do something that supports your program. Above all, please remember that I do not mean to make anyone’s life difficult or awkward by supporting my child in your program. I just want to be as fully included as the other parent(s) where it is appropriate or permissible by law.

When you are the live apart parent, you are trusting that the other parent is going to make good daily choices for your children. You expect that they are going to share with you information about your child’s life that will allow you to be an active participate rather than an outside observer. You hope that the needs of the children will always be put ahead of the ego, pride or feelings of the adults involved. Again, this is what the feeling is in a perfect world, but time and time again, in co-parenting relationships, one or more of these things gets left by the wayside and you begin to parent the way you treated the other parent before the split -- definitely not good for the children. And let me be clear that it is the responsibility of both parents to act in good faith for the benefit of the child. Is it fair to the children to have it any other way? In my particular co-parenting situation, we have yet to develop a communication strategy that actually works. Sure, things have gotten better over time, but communication in the form of “the kids are fine” is not communication – that they are “fine” is a given if there are no emergency room visits, medications or failing grades. I realize it can be extremely difficult to “deal with” your ex-partner but putting them off, ignoring them, or providing non-communication within your attempts at communication is going to make the situation more difficult. I truly do believe that over time and with a commitment to do what is best for the children that there can be effective communication between households. Sometimes it’s just a matter of being willing to sit down face to face, discuss what is working and what is not working, and keep at the process of parenting together in separate homes.

And finally, I would speak to the stepparent. You have been entrusted with the most precious things in a live apart parent’s life, and I would hope that you would take a moment from time to time to think about how it might feel if you were in that situation. How would you feel if you were not able to spend quality time with your children for days on end? If you were missing their firsts? If you were forced to share their love and affection and the title that was your from the moment of their birth? The last might not be as difficult – a title is just that and it doesn’t change or in any way diminish the quality of the relationship just because two people have the same title. And we’re certainly aware in our head, even if not always in our heart, that love multiples and is not divided between the people in our lives.

But seriously, how would you feel to know that someone else is getting to see and participate in all of those firsts your child has – first day of school, first lost tooth, first social events, first bra, first date (just to name a few). Wouldn’t you want to do everything within your power to try and be involved in those events? Some things are fleeting and cannot be planned and even as “the live-in parent” those firsts can be missed. Such is life. But don’t you suppose the right thing to do for the child would be to find a way to involve all of the parents (who wish to be involved) in scheduled firsts or in child/parent activities? It is very difficult to know that you are not just missing out on time with your child as a live apart parent but that you are missing their milestones as well. It’s especially frustrating if something can be done about it. So when the live apart parent inserts themselves into the children’s activities or contacts leaders and educators to get more information, please try not to take that as a personal affront. You, too, would do everything you can to stay on top of what is happening in your child’s life. Perhaps if you see that communication is lacking between the original parents, you could be a part in developing that parental team of 3 (or 4).

As a live apart parent, I can recognize the love and care that a co-parent or stepparent provides to my children. I can appreciate that co-parents and stepparents are teaching the children to be fine individuals. I can even acknowledge that stepparents are just as much a parent to the children as I am. But know that when my role as a parent is diminished by the actions or words of the co-parent or stepparent, it is likely I will come out kicking and screaming (in thought, not action) to protect my right to be recognized and treated as a parent. I am not their casual friend, I am their parent – just as you are, and we all need to respect the role of parent.

What I would hope that each of you would understand is that live apart parents are not invisible. We often don’t know how to be involved but we desperately want to be. We didn’t abandon our kids we just chose to do what was best for the kids. And isn’t parenting hard enough without having to remind people day in and day out that we are parents too?

My hope is that we can all work together to take care of the kids around us regardless of our role as parent, stepparent, leader, coach, friend or family.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say,
"A Mother has a baby. This we know is true,
but God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied with confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies; when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay."
"I just don’t understand this, God. I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat. And then I saw a tear.
"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say,
'We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
"Mommy don’t be sad today. I’m your baby and I’m here.".'
"So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are OK.
Your baby is here in My home and this where he'll stay.
He'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through,
and on the day that you come home, he'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start."

Author Unknown

*snagged and borrowed from another blogger - author unknown - but the sentiment is too good not to share.

Happy Celebration of Womanhood!

(note, I don't think it's an official day but it sounds good to me)

Many things go through my head when I think of Mother’s Day: questions, memories, hopes and expectations. Why is it we have a day to honor mothers? Why not a day to honor all women regardless if they are mothers or not? Why do we place mothers on some pedestal like the simple fact of giving birth makes them more special?

Please, don’t misunderstand. I think mothers can be wonderful people. But there’s more to being a mother than having children playing around your ankles.

I remember the first Mother’s Day after I was married. We had just lost our first pregnancy and while I had felt grief about that loss, it didn’t really seem “that hard” [remember I basically found out I was pregnant as I was miscarrying] until Mother’s Day. The Primary children were dotingly presenting each mother in the ward with a flower after Sacrament meeting. That’s when it hit me. I wasn’t a mother. And I so desperately wanted to be, to have that revered title, to experience a different level of love than I had ever imagined possible. But I wasn’t a mother.

Of course a few months later, I was ticking off the calendar on the arrival of baby #2 and knowing that at the next Mother’s Day, I would be one of those lucky women who not only received a flower, I would be holding a wiggling wee bundle of my own. As it turns out, that didn’t happen. Instead I labored and delivered and left a hospital maternity ward with nothing but a sense of failure – just how hard is it to have a baby anyway? At the time, people were not talking about failed pregnancies, miscarriage and loss – I suppose folks thought it too private or didn’t know how to put words to emotions. I felt alone and trapped with my own emotions, and I’m sure I shut out a good deal of support on my journey toward finding peace again.

Mother’s Day #2 rolled by. No baby. And as I watched, again, all of the mothers at church be presented with their honorary token, I felt anger – why not me? Why does everyone forget that I had a baby. That child grew in me and died in me. Doesn’t that make me a mother too? But you aren’t allowed to say those things out loud – at least that’s what it felt like.

Then shortly after, we lost baby #3. It’s so hard to keep any sort of positive attitude. Everyone around you wants you to be alright – even to the point that sometimes you feel like you have to put on a fake smile and pretend. But we all grieve in different ways and we all need different amounts of time and space to deal with whatever losses we’ve incurred. Some people turn to substances such as alcohol or drugs, some people turn to exercise or food, some people turn to God – I made work my solace. I was good at work. I knew what I was doing and there was always plenty of work to keep my mind busy. In the process I was shutting out my husband – we made our own mistakes, and certainly the breakdown in our marriage wasn’t one of his fault or my fault, but we had a Bishop who decided to be helpful in his counsel (well intended man but grrrrrrrrrr). He asked me one day in a brief meeting to discuss a church calling, “When are you going to quit your job to be a real wife and mother?” Excuse me?????!!! Needless to say I pushed church to the wayside as well for a while after that conversation.

After awhile I just gave up. Obviously I wasn’t ever going to be a mother. But I came to resent that day – that horrid, horrid day that honored those women who had been fortunate enough to produce a living child but left in a void those of us who’d borne children to various stages of development.

I was fortunate and life changed several years later. But not everyone who struggles with infertility or childlessness is as fortunate. To those mothers and to all women I say I hope you are able to celebrate your womanhood. You may not always find joy at the end of the day or happiness in each waking hour. More importantly, know that you are not alone. Remember that you are special, just as special as those we label mother and without you the world would be missing an important piece. I remember those childless Mother's Days. And I remember your right to celebrate as well. Happy Celebration of Womanhood!