An Open Letter From a Live Apart Parent

Dear co-parent, stepparent, religious leader, educator, friend, family and nosey neighbor (as if any of the neighbors are actually reading),

It has come to my attention that many of you may not understand fully the complexity of being a live apart parent and for that, I would like to ask you to take a closer look at the reality of people, like me, who live apart from their children only because the children cannot live in two place at the same time and someone has to be the live apart parent.

The decision to be the live apart parent is one that is often made with a heavy heart but with a hope that in making responsible decisions the children will benefit from the love and nurturing of all of their parents despite the fact that their parents found it impossible to continue to love and nurture each other. Sometimes the decision is based on physical ability or mental capacity. Sometimes the decision is based on physical location and the needs of the child. Sometimes the decision is based on the resources available to each parent at the time the decision is made to co-parent from different households. And every once in awhile the decision is made by the court system because the parents were unable to decide amongst themselves the best interest of the children. My situation does not fall into the latter category and let me tell you honestly, that it more than bothers me when you assume that the reason my kids don’t live with me is that the courts must have decided I was unfit in some way.

I admit that I am far from perfect. I also admit that at times react very emotionally when it comes to issues concerning my children – don’t most parents regardless of where they live? But when you are the live apart parent, you miss out on so much of your children’s lives that it literally hurts. Rarely do you get the opportunity to experience your child’s first tooth loss and the visit from the tooth fairy. You may miss out on special activities at school because of a breakdown in communication. Your child is sometimes torn between wanting both parents and wanting no parents because of underlying tension (which wouldn’t exist in a perfect world, but this is not a perfect world). And when a third, or sometimes fourth, parental figure is added to the mix, those decisions and desires your child has get more complicated and they will experience a roller coaster of emotions about things that really shouldn’t be complicated at all. They may say everything is fine or they may act out. Either way, the children will be affected, and it may not be noticeable at a casual glance. But there is nothing that tears at this parent’s heart more than seeing the wear and tear of making those decisions on the face of a child.

Keep in mind that many time children who have live apart parents will notice that their parents have different parenting style and perhaps different expectations of them. Some children will try to manipulate this fact to their advantage. Other times the parent not setting the expectation will view the differences as a personal attack. Most of the time, however, the problem can be easily rectified with an effort at clear communication. Obviously there are going to be differences in parenting approaches and parents are not likely to see every issue eye to eye – if they did they might still be together, right? The important thing is that we try to have similar rules and similar consequences and when possible similar routines so that the child comes to know this is what their parents expect of them. When the parents don’t agree, it’s not ok to make the child feel bad because of a disagreement about the expectations. If you have an issue with the way I, as the live apart parent set the rules and consequences in my home, then ask me but do not place my child in the middle of a dispute you have with me concerning how things operate in my home.

When kids are participating in community events – church, school, scouts, sports, etc – please be aware that not all co-parent situations have effective communication. If you are the educator, scout leader or coach for my child, I may have questions about how they are doing, what they are doing, and what is coming up for that activity. It would really be helpful, especially since we know that children are not responsible for communication and rarely are they able to effectively communicate, if you as their program leader would keep both households informed. I realize this is an extra call, email or letter for you but it would make a world of difference in my support of your program if you could make sure I know what is happening. Just because I live apart from my child does not mean I am unwilling to support you in your endeavors with extra eyes, hands or materials. Don’t be afraid to ask me to do something that supports your program. Above all, please remember that I do not mean to make anyone’s life difficult or awkward by supporting my child in your program. I just want to be as fully included as the other parent(s) where it is appropriate or permissible by law.

When you are the live apart parent, you are trusting that the other parent is going to make good daily choices for your children. You expect that they are going to share with you information about your child’s life that will allow you to be an active participate rather than an outside observer. You hope that the needs of the children will always be put ahead of the ego, pride or feelings of the adults involved. Again, this is what the feeling is in a perfect world, but time and time again, in co-parenting relationships, one or more of these things gets left by the wayside and you begin to parent the way you treated the other parent before the split -- definitely not good for the children. And let me be clear that it is the responsibility of both parents to act in good faith for the benefit of the child. Is it fair to the children to have it any other way? In my particular co-parenting situation, we have yet to develop a communication strategy that actually works. Sure, things have gotten better over time, but communication in the form of “the kids are fine” is not communication – that they are “fine” is a given if there are no emergency room visits, medications or failing grades. I realize it can be extremely difficult to “deal with” your ex-partner but putting them off, ignoring them, or providing non-communication within your attempts at communication is going to make the situation more difficult. I truly do believe that over time and with a commitment to do what is best for the children that there can be effective communication between households. Sometimes it’s just a matter of being willing to sit down face to face, discuss what is working and what is not working, and keep at the process of parenting together in separate homes.

And finally, I would speak to the stepparent. You have been entrusted with the most precious things in a live apart parent’s life, and I would hope that you would take a moment from time to time to think about how it might feel if you were in that situation. How would you feel if you were not able to spend quality time with your children for days on end? If you were missing their firsts? If you were forced to share their love and affection and the title that was your from the moment of their birth? The last might not be as difficult – a title is just that and it doesn’t change or in any way diminish the quality of the relationship just because two people have the same title. And we’re certainly aware in our head, even if not always in our heart, that love multiples and is not divided between the people in our lives.

But seriously, how would you feel to know that someone else is getting to see and participate in all of those firsts your child has – first day of school, first lost tooth, first social events, first bra, first date (just to name a few). Wouldn’t you want to do everything within your power to try and be involved in those events? Some things are fleeting and cannot be planned and even as “the live-in parent” those firsts can be missed. Such is life. But don’t you suppose the right thing to do for the child would be to find a way to involve all of the parents (who wish to be involved) in scheduled firsts or in child/parent activities? It is very difficult to know that you are not just missing out on time with your child as a live apart parent but that you are missing their milestones as well. It’s especially frustrating if something can be done about it. So when the live apart parent inserts themselves into the children’s activities or contacts leaders and educators to get more information, please try not to take that as a personal affront. You, too, would do everything you can to stay on top of what is happening in your child’s life. Perhaps if you see that communication is lacking between the original parents, you could be a part in developing that parental team of 3 (or 4).

As a live apart parent, I can recognize the love and care that a co-parent or stepparent provides to my children. I can appreciate that co-parents and stepparents are teaching the children to be fine individuals. I can even acknowledge that stepparents are just as much a parent to the children as I am. But know that when my role as a parent is diminished by the actions or words of the co-parent or stepparent, it is likely I will come out kicking and screaming (in thought, not action) to protect my right to be recognized and treated as a parent. I am not their casual friend, I am their parent – just as you are, and we all need to respect the role of parent.

What I would hope that each of you would understand is that live apart parents are not invisible. We often don’t know how to be involved but we desperately want to be. We didn’t abandon our kids we just chose to do what was best for the kids. And isn’t parenting hard enough without having to remind people day in and day out that we are parents too?

My hope is that we can all work together to take care of the kids around us regardless of our role as parent, stepparent, leader, coach, friend or family.

Sometimes Life Just Catches Up to You

Pardon the repeat but I felt I needed to delete a comment that had been made as it was inappropriately made here instead of using another forum (ie my email). I will however follow up with that individual by email to continue the dialogue if she wishes. But I won't stand for threats or bashing of anyone at this place - this place is to support and uplift not a political agenda.

The past 2 weeks or so have been a whole lot of chaos at my house. I love my kids dearly, but to go from near solitude most days to having 2 very active children around 24/7 is near overwhelming sometimes. We've had family visit from out of town. We've done our own bit of travelling and had several trips down memory lane. And in all, we're tired but happy. Very happy. Well, ok maybe not happy about the minor medical crisis that put the kabosh on our plans at the end of our first vacation of the summer. But other than that, we've had a great deal of fun getting to know more about each other and about family.

First of all, I have to brag on my kids. This is after all my duty and right as their mother to make sure the world knows that there are good kids still out there (and possibly in your neighborhood, if not in your home). They handle changes with much more aplomb than their mother does. When plans took a curve they curved with the situation. Sure, we had some disappointed looks or teary eyes, but they were momentary and soon they were finding the bright side in everything. Even girl child - sick and having to go to the ER for treatment of dehydration - said, "well, Mom, the good news is it's bacterial. At least all of the cousins and everyone won't get sick, too." And precious boy child, initially crushed because he didn't get his computer games as desired while sister was being tended to said "I got a chance to be a helper." (my bff picked him up from the ER and he had the opportunity to assist with limb removal, wood stacking, etc to pass the time). I love so much that they are learning that sometimes life is about more than what is happening at that moment, but at the same time are learning to find the good in the moments they are living.

We had the rare treat of a visit with my father. Grandpa took the kids fishing and gave them their first "real fishing lesson" - along with fishing poles and tackle to keep so they can go fishing again. (And yes, Daddy, I got the fishing license and promise to take them. But we also got the fake worms because you can't expect this little princess to change her ways and start handling bugs over night.) Girl child was the only one to catch a fish that day - an approximate 14", 2.5 pound lake perch. One of these days my dad will get the picture off his digital camera so I can post it. In the meantime, trust me, it was a beaut! This visit with my father was also treasured because we've now had 2 opportunities to make sure that the air is clear between us and that there is nothing left unsaid. This is especially important to me as he is going to be having surgery on Wednesday and I had not realized that his doctors would be pulling him off all of his heart, blood pressure and blood thinning medications a week before his surgery putting him at risk for another stroke or massive coronary problem even before his surgery. Needless to say I'm crossing my fingers but I'm very greatful that IF anything should happen (which I'm sure it won't) we had a chance to have this special weekend with him.

Although our visit with other relatives was cut short by girl child's illness, we did have a chance to visit with my grandmother (father's mother) as well and share some more stories of her youth with the kids. She taught them a new card game and it's been a big hit. We also had the opportunity to take her to lunch, along with both of my sisters and 10 of her great-grandchildren. Alas, I have to finish the roll of film and get it developed before you'll see any of those pictures. One gentleman at the restaurant jokingly asked if there was anyone at the restaurant who wasn't in our party. At least I hope he was joking. He did offer to snap a photo of all of us.

Following lunch Grandma left to tend the man she takes care of several hours each week while the rest of us were off to my aunt's home (mother's sister) to go through the other grandmother's (mother's mother) estate. We have some wonderful treasure - most of them in photograph form as well as some trinkets for each of the children. My daughter is the only one of the great-grandkids who had the opportunity to meet my mother's mother. Girl child was only 3 at the time and doesn't remember the trip to Florida but we do have lots of photos of them together (and even more now from the picture box in her estate). The experience also brought us a little bit closer together as sisters - making us realize that this woman who was so closely related was a relative stranger in many ways and that living the way we were and harboring old ills the way we were was making us strangers with each other more each day. It didn't fix everything but it gave us a starting place to call "do over" and try to have healthier relationships with each other.

We did a lot of running around. We did a lot of learning about "folks". We tried to just go with the flow, but sometimes, life just catches up to you - ready or not.

The Wooden Bowl

This is another of those things that has made it rounds through email and message boards, but it seemed to go along with the message of my last post. So in case you haven't already seen this:


I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.

But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl!

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for
you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every
meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of our relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.!

I Think My Father Has Finally Grown Up

I don't know what to think of my father's recent change in the way he interacts with my children and I. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining by any means, it's just... different.

"Tell me again when you have the kids in June."

That's the way the conversation started. After confirming the dates he says, "Good. Because we're coming on Friday and leaving Monday. On Saturday or Sunday (the choice is ours) we want to take the kids to [a local touristy place] or something that is more than grandma and grandpa taking them to the ice cream shop. The other day we'll visit with other relatives, but we don't want to have to share time with them while we visit you."

Dang! Not only have they made plans which involve time off work but there have been other steps taken (like hotel reservations, etc) which almost make me want to get pinched to make sure I'm not dreaming. TWO... not just a visit but two visits within the course of only a couple of months and specifically to visit the children and me.

In usual me fashion, I found myself exploring his motives. I know he's not trying to make up for lost time. We've already had that discussion about not being able to turn back the hands of time to "make up" for anything. I do wonder if he's contemplating his own mortality. After all, the man has had several debilating stroke and heart episodes over the past couple of years. Perhaps if my step-mother wasn't as anxious to come as we are to have her visit, he wouldn't be returning again so soon. Whatever the reason, he's coming! Again! And we're so excited.

After I kicked myself in the rear end for daring to question why someone would want to travel all that distance to visit us, I decided to just enjoy the fact that my father is taking an active roll in our lives. He loves us. And we love him. And those truths are wonderful.

Because of Love

I’ve been on a spiritual journey of sorts lately. Basically I’m just trying to figure out how all of the many things I believe fit together. You see, I was raised in a variety of churches – none of them really instilled any sense of purpose or belonging in my young soul. And as I grew up, developing more of an explorative spirit – not to mention rebellious, I found myself searching for truths. In searching for those truths, I discovered the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You may be more familiar with the term Mormons. And at the point in my life that I stumbled across this religion, I was ready to embrace just about anything that would give me the answers I sought. In retrospect, perhaps I should have asked more questions of others and of myself, before committing to a set of beliefs.

I joined the Church at the age of 24 and jumped in not only with both feet but with 300% effort. And then after a good many bumps, a detour and a perceived road block or 2, I decided to leave the Church. At that point, leaving the Church took a whole lot more effort than joining actually did. Without sharing all of the details, I purposely set about being excommunicated – trying to severe all ties to this Church. Only to discover even that is not so easy.

You see, one of the core beliefs of the Church as I understand it is that man can become as God is. The Church teaches of eternal families and degrees of exaltation. It teaches of things to come if only we will act in accordance to the teachings of Christ. In other words, it teaches us how to return to our Heavenly Father – to return to Heaven. But there has to be something more. Something in my understanding that I was missing because I readily threw away the teachings of the Church and decided I could have my own relationship with God regardless of any building or set of leaders. Or can I? What is it that was so important in that basic teaching that man can be as God is that was making me continue to question my own beliefs?

The author of one of the blogs I read summed it up very nicely. And I so appreciate his perspective. With his permission, I quote:

“I came to the conclusion that utterly unselfish and all-encompassing love is what sets God apart from man. To find joy, one needs to have that love. But we are humans and we experience a very finite portion of what love is, by necessity of our existence. But we can progress by experiencing love in all of its dimensions: love of the stranger, love of parents and siblings, love of a friend, love of living things, etc... but in that there are two types of love that are intense and different, love of a companion and love of your children. Experiencing all and understanding all is what helps us progress to finding that utterly unselfish and all-encompassing love...

and thus heaven.”

If you want to read more of what he wrote, you can find it here.

Thank you, Trey, for summing it up so nicely. The most important things I’ve learned through my experiences with the Church are about family and about love. The reason I latched on so quickly to the teachings of the Church was because of the idea of a loving Father in Heaven who did not damn his children to eternal hell if they weren’t perfect enough (although I know some who would say that not reaching the celestial kingdom is its own kind of hell) – because of love. The reason I fought so hard to have and to maintain a relationship with my children following my divorce (and all of the chaos which has happened in between) was because of love. The reason we all seek a partner in life isn’t because we don’t know how to be alone but because we’re seeking from a primal need to nurture and be nurtured – because of love.

I still don’t have all of the answers I seek. Perhaps I never will. But this I know for sure. I will value the love I give as well as the love I receive. For truly, being able to experience love in all of its forms puts us another step closer to Heaven. And that idea is what drives me to continue to find answers to my questions – because of love.