Seeking Advice

You know how sometimes you are too close to a situation and it's hard to see what alternatives are available when there a problem arises? Well I'm in the midst of one of those situations.

Co-parenting is hard. We all think we're saying and doing and acting in the best interest of the children but let's face it, most of the time we're also reacting with our own feelings and desires.

About 5 years ago we put into place a schedule that allowed me to have the kids on Wednesday nights overnight each week and alternate weekends from Friday to Sunday evening in addition to various holidays and week long visits throughout the year. As the children became more involved in school and scouts and youth programs, those Wednesday night visits started creating stress for the kids in their schedule so we informally agreed to suspend those visits. Now that the kids are older, their Young Men and Young Women programs meet on Wednesday nights which creates not only a "stress conflict" but a time conflict.

Additionally, as the years have gone by, my weekend with the kids has been shortened by their church attendance. I have been attending Sacrament Meeting with the kids in their ward (our church is divided by geography) so as to avoid them having 2 sets of leaders, friends, schedules, etc. After Sacrament Meeting, the kids would go off to their youth meetings and I would go on my way knowing we'd had a chance to at least share the ritual part of our faith together even if our visits were being cut short (because I was informed in no uncertain terms that it was interfering with someone else's ability to feel the Spirit if I stayed for the entire 3 hour meeting block to wait for the kids and spend time with them after church now that boychild no longer needs that transition point). Now I am being asked - actually informed - that I need to drop the kids off at church and not attend Sacrament Meeting because it "bothers" the other parents. In fact it bothers them so much that the kids have told me it would be easier for them at home if I didn't go to church with them. Now personally, I always figured that if you're having trouble feeling the Spirit that you need to look inside yourself and figure out why instead of blaming other people for your communication problems with Heavenly Father and it shouldn't be my job to fix your spirit feeling ability. However, when your blame starts affecting my kids I guess I need to at least offer solutions so that we're all getting what we want, what we are court ordered and what will make things easiest on the kids in the long run. Right? Apparently not.

The absolute stance at the moment is drop them off and it doesn't matter if it's 8 hours early it's what we want and because we want it, it's what the kids want. (Of course the kids want what you want, because they want to please whichever adult they are talking to at the time and they know they have to live with you and want to keep you happy so there is less stress at home).

In a nutshell that means I have gone from an average of 8 court order days per month with the kids to 2.

I have proposed:

Thursday Evening – Saturday Evening every other week? They are home schooled, so there is no conflict of school attendance.

Friday Evening – Saturday Evening every other week and 1 evening visit on alternate weeks.

Friday Evening – Sunday Evening every other week but the kids will have to attend 2nd Ward and return home in the late afternoon? This of course seems the least logical solution given their participation in YM/YW but it certainly is an option.

Basically trying to find a way to keep at least 4 days per month - quality days not just time sleeping in a bed at my house - without having to go back to court and pay attorneys and guardian ad lid em, etc. And yet what I get back is "give up more, we don't feel the need to compromise".

Yes, the kids have said they want to leave things as they are but they have also said they want their time with me. They really are caught in the middle and this is a decision we're going to need to make without them.

So, do you see any other alternatives or have any suggestions? Maybe I'm wrong and just too close to the situation to see it - if so, tell me.