Dear Cappy, Part 1

Dear Cappy,

Recently I have had to have some difficult conversations with my children regarding things they want, but it seems that after we have the conversations they give the exact opposite answers to their other parent in an effort to keep the peace. What do you suggest?

Confused


Dear Confused,

Know that it is very typical for a child to want to please both parents but that by doing so they are actually making life more stressful for themselves. Create a loving and open environment so that they know they are free to express their desires without penalty from either parent. It is not clear from your letter if you are speaking of children of divorce or a two parent household – either way it is the job of both adults to provide this environment. Often children are afraid to make decisions that they believe will hurt their parent’s feelings. Explain to them that in life we sometimes are going to hurt someone else’s feelings but that they should never feel like they have to keep their desires bottled up just because an adult might not want the same things as they do. If you, as parents, disagree about anything concerning the children, be sure to have your discussions about it when there are no children about who may over hear and feel caught in the middle. Make it a point to phone only when the children are not in the house or meet in a neutral place. Above all, remember it’s not your child’s job to protect you, it’s your job to protect them. Good luck.

Cappy