Dear Cappy, Part 2

Dear Cappy,

My ex got remarried recently and now the new spouse is acting like the only parents that matter are those who live in the house with the kids. I can accept that my spouse has a new partner but I find it difficult to accept being told I’m unwelcome and often left out of discussions that directly affect my children. I do not like that the new spouse tries to control the flow of information and the decisions that my ex and I need to make on behalf of the children. What do you suggest?

Third Wheel


Dear Third Wheel,

My, my that is a tough one. Try to keep in mind that the new spouse only has one side of the story when it comes to your relationship with your ex and your children and may believe their actions are well intentioned. The other thing that comes to mind is that the new spouse may be very aware of what happened between you and your spouse and is afraid the same things may happen in their own relationship. Feeling like they are in control is just one of their coping mechanisms for the insecurity they feel. Remember that court orders are between you and your ex and are not subject to the interpretation of the new spouse. The new spouse was aware and should have been accepting of the rules in place at the time they agreed to marry your ex. HOWEVER, also remember that with time comes change and that as your children get older, changes may be needed to your court orders to accommodate the schedules, desires and activities of your children. At that point you may have to have a 3 parent discussion but ultimately the responsibility lies on your and your ex to make the arrangements for the children. If you cannot work together as a three-some I would suggest that you seriously consider some kind of counseling or mediation to work things out. Any time a third party enters the picture decisions become more complicated and it’s your job as a parent to try to make those decisions in the best interest of the child. From your letter it sounds as though you need to have a heart to heart with the new spouse. You may both be feeling the same frustrations and can work things out with some honesty and a commitment to work things out for the children. Like it or not, the new spouse is going to be a parent figure to your child, and not one that you get to interview or fire like you would a day care. Do all within your power to keep the lines of communication open and if all else fails, remember to be an adult – someone has to be – and do the right thing even when it is hard. Your children will know, eventually, the truth of the relationships they have with each of you and will respect you more in the long run for doing the best for them even when you didn’t want to agree.

Cappy