I Wish He Didn't Worry

My kids worry entirely too much about me sometimes. Recently boy child asked (again) when I was going to get married again so that I wouldn't be alone all of the time. Huh? Wow, I didn't realize it but he really does have this picture in his head that when he and his sister are not at my house all I do is go to work and come home (and play their W@bkinz of course). I don't interact with other people, I don't have friends, and I don't go anywhere. Hmmmm, come to think of it... nah!

The truth of the matter is, I've made a very conscious decision to not date. But that doesn't mean I live in a vaccuum. It does make some people look at me like I have three heads or something though. Recently I was approached by someone who also watches a lot of football at the pub where I indulge my addition (football, not alcohol). He wanted to "get to know me better" by inviting me to his house. When I told him I don't date, he was speechless. Truly taken aback and had no clue how to respond to that except to then start asking if I was crazy.

Maybe I am. But you know, I don't see a need to get all "intimate" with people these days. And I'm not just talking physical intimacy. I like my walls. They have served me fairly well the past few years. And while I know that I'm eventually going to have to take a wrecking ball to those walls, I'm not ready. Not yet.

Perhaps it's typical survivor baggage? Perhaps it's just fear, plain and simple. But I've been down that road before, bought the t-shirt and just don't need another to add to the already extensive wardrobe. Some things just hurt too much. And up until now every start of a new relationship means reliving some of those old hurts. How do you not look for all of the negative things up front, thereby pushing people into behaving in expected ways?

No, I think it's better that Momma remains unattached at this point in her life.

I tried to explain it as gently as I could. "You know how you really love your brother and sisters? But sometimes you really just want your own space? And you know how you wish you could do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted to do it? Well Moms feel that way sometimes, too. And you know what? Just because you're married doesn't mean that sometimes you don't get lonely or feel sad. Life is what you make of it, not who you are with." He nodded and with wisdom decided, "besides, then we'd have to share you with him. That might not be so fun."

I think he gets it. I just wish he didn't worry.