How Are You?

Wow! What a loaded question lately. In some ways I want to say, "I'm great!" After all, why wouldn't I be great? I have 2 wonderful kids whose eyes light up every time they see me and who are full to the brim with hugs and kisses, even in public. I have a roof over my head that's warm, more than enough food on the table and gas in the car. I have a job that meets my needs as a parent and as a person. I have friends and family who love and care for me, who support me even at my worst, and who are always there if I reach out for more. I have the Gospel to light my path and guide my life. And the smart alec in me would add that I currently have football! Who could possibly ask for more? Right?

Then there's the other side of the coin - the side that wants to say, "I'm not doing well at all." Medically speaking, I've just had the biggest scare of my life. I've added another several thousand dollars in medical bills to the long list of medical bills I was already struggling to pay. The knowledge that the cost of insurance was already unaffordable ($900 and up for a family of one) just went up because of this latest medical issue makes thinking about it unbearable. I have neighbors who delight in making life as unpleasant as possible for themselves and everyone around them - to the point I don't even want to be in my own home most of the time. I miss my kids - every other weekend is just not enough for me, and yet within their schedules there just really isn't time to add more. I'm tired of being accommodating to my ex husband's wife, tired of pacifying her to make things easier for the kids instead of being able to have all of us be fully present in the children's lives for all of their activities. And then I get mad at myself for feeling so "woe is me" because I know that my life is still so much better than so many others.

I don't know what it is about this time of year but it seems to catch me off guard - every single year. It starts in early October when I attend General Conference and am reminded of my loss of Rachel. And then it continues on - until about mid-February when everything seems right with the world again. I struggle so hard to see the bright things in life. I suppose it's all of the holiday activities, knowing that the family activities that I want to be looking forward to just aren't going to happen. Even with my own family, we're distanced enough to not be able to gather often - certainly not when most of us only have a day off work for a holiday. I've been invited to spend holidays with friends who are more local - that's almost worse than being alone on the holiday because it is a reminder of what is not there. I don't know - there just doesn't seem to be a win situation for the loneliness that creeps in and takes hold this time of year. Sometimes I wonder if life wouldn't be easier if it was shared with someone. But then I think of the positive things that have come out of my decision to not date. Having a companion wouldn't solve the problem - it would just provide arms for a hug without having to appear pathetic and in need of a hug. Maybe someday. Of course that someone could also be just a sounding board - someone to say all of these negative things to, knowing that all they have to do in the end is hug me to make the world right again.

So I'm stuck at the moment. People have been asking how I am. And I really don't know how to answer. I suppose the best I can say for the moment is "I'm alright." Because I am. In my head, "I'm great." In my heart, "I'm miserable." But the most important things is that I know my head is right this time. The heart will catch up sooner or later.

So here's a more important question. How are YOU?