Children of God

I received the most unexpected of emails this week and it couldn’t have come at a better time. You see, I belong to a church that has no paid clergy, no formally trained Sunday School teachers, no elected positions – just lots and lots of volunteers who are called to serve in various capacities in order to keep things running efficiently. In the cumulative years I have been a member of the LDS church, I have been called to serve as a Relief Society food coordinator, a Sacrament Meeting music coordinator, a ward librarian and as a Primary teacher/music leader/presidency member… more than 9 years of 11 active years in Church have been spent serving in Primary. Primary is akin to the Sunday School program in most churches, but in this case it is geared toward children ages 3 to 12. And I have not been shy about saying, “I will do as I am called, but I really don’t like Primary.”

I can provide lots of flimsy excuses for why I have not enjoyed my service in Primary – all of which are just that – stupid excuses. It’s not the fault of my BFF that she has a totally different idea of what it means to co-teach. I guess I should be taking the lessons I learned about co-parenting and apply them to Primary as well because we both love dearly the children that we teach, we just have different ways of going about it and somehow end up stepping on each other’s toes in the process. I could say that it’s the notion that I miss being in adult companionship for Sunday School and Relief Society meetings, but let’s be honest. If it wasn’t for the fact I was teaching a lesson, I’d be just as likely to ditch Relief Society to go home and watch a 12 o’clock football game as I would be to stay for a lesson. Ummm ok, MORE likely to watch football is actually the case so I wouldn’t really be gaining that much more adult companionship outside of Primary. I could say it’s because we have a challenging class to teach – but seriously, what group of 5 & 6 year olds is ever not challenging to teach? Just because children have their own unique and strong personalities doesn’t mean they should be labeled as “difficult”.

No, what it really comes down to is I have viewed Primary as a reminder of the many children lost in my life. And it seems like the callings to Primary have always come at a time when I’ve struggled with my role as a mother: they’ve come at times when I wanted to be selfish and self centered instead of be grateful for the blessings the children in Primary have brought and will continue to bring to my life.

Sixteen years and 6 months ago, my husband and I were called to be teachers to the Star B class (kids 5 going on 6 that year). We also experienced our first loss with a few weeks of that calling.

Six months later, I delivered my first daughter into a bedpan, and because my husband had been sent to Basic Training, a week later I was teaching those 6 year olds once again. I still have a card from one of them who expressed their love so simply and so eloquently. But I wanted my daughter, not “those” children.

Upon moving to Missouri, I was again called to teach in Primary. This time it was the Sunbeams (3 year olds) and shortly thereafter I lost my third child.

Are you seeing a pattern here yet?

No, I do not believe that I lost babies because I was called to Primary. Nor do I believe I was called to Primary because I lost babies. But the coincidences were uncanny.

So when I was called to serve in the Primary Presidency, and shortly thereafter found out I was pregnant with the baby that became my beloved boy child, I was terrified. Thankfully things with boy child went smoothly – so smoothly that girl child followed suit very close behind her brother. But because of my husband’s work schedule, he was often not at church beyond Sacrament meeting (if he made that one at all) and the children were too young to go to the nursery so here I was balancing a new born, a 12 month old and trying to conduct Primary Sharing Time – and of course with my bad attitude, hating every minute of that struggle.

We move back to Madison, my husband and I divorce, and what calling do you think I was presented with? Yup, Primary. I was to serve in the nursery with children 18 months to 3 years of age – the same age as my children who were living with my ex-husband and his mother. Another constant reminder of the loss of children.

My ex-husband remarries. He and his wife pull a few shenanigans about the children and my ability to visit them (eventually ironed out), and of course, even though I had moved to a different ward (and had another calling for a brief period of time), I was called again to serve in the Primary Presidency. I couldn’t see my own children, but I could tend to these other dozens of children each week. Just how fair was that??!!??

When I moved again, I actually refused a call to serve in the Primary. I had had enough. In truth, apparently I hadn’t learned the lessons I needed to learn. Or possibly it wasn’t about me at all. Perhaps I hadn’t yet served the children that needed to be served.

I warned you it was all about me being selfish – and, yes, I recognize the horribly bad attitude for what it was - what it still is some days.

So now, years later, as I became active in church once more, I was, of course, again called to serve in Primary. I balked. I tried to think of excuses. I murmured. Man, I probably could have taught Laman and Lemuel some lessons about how to murmur. I tried to convince myself that if I could just pretend to be excited about Primary that eventually I would find joy in my calling.

Let me tell you, I don’t know who came up with that idea of pretending, but it doesn’t work. Instead what I was left with was an exhausted feeling of being “fake”. I hate fake. Fake to me says liar and I can’t stand being lied to or about. So why would I condone this behavior in myself in regard to Primary?

And then, a wonderful thing happened. We had our Sacrament Meeting presentation. And I got to see the angelic faces of these children – these children about which I had been murmuring. I got to hear their beautiful voices as they sang and taught the most simple of gospel truths. They sang about being a child of God. And finally, I got it. I needed to open my heart and accept every child instead of focusing solely on my own losses and wants. I needed to know that it was ok to love these children and that by doing so I was actually honoring the memory of those babies lost and strengthening the relationship I have with those babies living. A lot of heart mending happened in that simple program.

So, thank you to the parent who took the time to say, "I wanted to thank you for loving (name of child). Watching you sit next to him/her during the Primary Program, I could tell how much you truly cared about my child and what's important to him/her. I could tell you truly cared about who (s)he is. Thank you so much!" No, really, thank you for allowing me to love your child and to have a chance to touch your child’s life in ways that will have a lasting impact. The trust you have placed in me is not taken lightly. I don’t promise to never murmur again about Primary (I am only human after all), but I do promise to love your child as the precious child of God that he/she is.