Honesty

Beautiful Mess tagged me quite awhile ago (so sorry for the delay) to share in this Honesty Meme. I figured it's about time I rose to the challenge. For doing so, I get to post this cute little award image on my blog and then get to: "A) first list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! B) pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap."

So....

1) I don't understand how parents can walk away from their child(ren) after divorce - including moving cross country or even out of the country in some cases. I just cannot fathom anyone being willing to be that separated from their child(ren) even if the child isn't living with them full time. I guess it's fair to say I'm pretty judgemental about this issue, especially if they also become monetarily delinquent in the support of their child(ren) as well.

2) I have an excuse for everything. Part of my daily struggle is in making sure that I'm not using the flimsy excuses to just not do something that is hard. It's also part of the struggle to recognize which excuses are valid and can be immovable obstacles and which are valid but can be changed.

3) I used to care what my mother-in-law thought of me, until she showed her true colors. Then I realized that I wasted a lot of energy trying to be what she thought I should be instead of just being who I am. Not so say that there were not things I could learn from her - and learn I did. But I realized that her opinion of me never really mattered in the long run.

4) I get really tired of defending my decision to keep my children involved with members of their family even though divorce may have split certain households. One example is the tightrope I have to walk with my ex-husband for daring to communicate with his sister (whom I've known now for over 17 years) just because he doesn't. Another is my brother's anger about me communicating with his ex-wife so that my kids know their cousins who live with her (whom he has nothing to with - see #1).

5) I attempted to join the wrestling team in high school. I wasn't trying to be a rebel (like every one assumed) as much as I was trying to figure out a way to get a handle on the weight issues I was struggling with even then. I could see how hard the wrestlers worked and managed their weight and figured I could learn something. What I've realized as an adult is that it wasn't the skills I needed to learn as much as they psychology of my weight issues that needed to be addressed. I'm still not sure I have it all figured out but I think I understand it a lot better than ever before.

6) As much as I love having friends and don't want to be lonely, I enjoy my solitude most of the time. I used to think that having "Internet only" friends was a solution to the solitude issue until I realized that it took a great deal more effort to be a true friend over the Internet than it did to deal with people in person... that whole lack of body language thing and the ability to mask certain emotions makes it really hard to know for sure the soundness of your friendship on the Internet. Again, I would say it's not impossible to be friends with someone on the Internet, just that it can require more effort.

7) As much as I'm flattered that my employer places so much trust in my abilities, it really ticks me off that he has become a snowbird and leaves me in charge of the office from November to May. The job doesn't change that much, it just becomes my responsibility to handle off the little things as well (like the near flooding of the office due to ice melt and rain this week - twice even) as my normal job and to work forced overtime to comply with the contracted hours for our company. That makes me a very tired and cranky person by the time Spring rolls around and I didn't sign up for this level of responsibility when I took the job. On the other hand, I like my job and I like the autonomy and I really like the flexibility I have when bossman is in the building so I don't have this major desire to change jobs. And yes, we've had this conversation because we have a great employer/employee relationship. But it still ticks me off.

8) On a subconscious level I was sort of glad that the troublesome rodents expired in January. They were totally "wild child" spirits who were not able to be handled and who were literally chewing everything, including habitats that were supposed to be non-chewable (or at least difficult to chew). I was very sorry to see the pained looks on my children's faces, but I don't miss the critters. However, even the kids are seeing the bright side to the whole momma guilt of having caused the expiration of the critters - the new little girl hamster is just so sweet and tame and fun to have around. I would really miss her and I'm not much of a critter lover.

9) I enjoy having conversations with myself. And yes, I know that I am talking to myself and not to any imaginary persons that my brain has made up. But I will often talk to myself out loud and carry on complete conversations (including playing devil's advocate) when I am working out a problem, a schedule, planning an event of some kind - basically anything my brain has to handle volumes of information or coordinate ideas. I'm sure my neighbors think I'm crazy. Oh that's right - they don't think I'm crazy they think I'm a total b@tch most of the time for daring to believe that rules and laws are meant to be followed and are not simply suggested guidelines for behavior.

10) My kids hurt my feelings - a lot - without even meaning to. And while I let it slide with them, it then causes me to be upset with their other parents. Yeah, I know that is not well explained. Here's an example: I found out while speaking to boychild on the phone yesterday that he gave a talk in church just the day before. Why did no one think to tell me before hand that he was giving a talk so that I could be there to support him? If he was allowed to pick up the phone and call me anytime he wanted, he might have thought to call but chances are he'd still need a reminder because he's a kid and he doesn't think of these things. So then I get mad at my ex and his wife for not supporting my roll as boychild's mother. They do nothing to facilitate the relationship I have with the children - just provide the "required" communications and if I miss out on events, oh well. The wife would prefer I never be at church anyway... long story and not going to get into the whole thing here. (I told you our co-parenting wasn't perfect, but it is better than a lot of situations I've witnessed so I feel lucky about that.) I just wish when I call and talk to the kids and ask them specifically is there anything going on or anything coming up that they wouldn't say, "I don't think so." but instead they would remember to tell me things like "I have to give a talk at church on Sunday." And yes, I know it's beyond the ability of most pre-teens to think like that. It's just a wish I have.

So there's my list of 10. I know the instructions say to tag another 7 bloggers, but for various reasons (see an excuse!) I don't keep a blog roll and would not like to single out blogs that I read. I would, however, encourage each of you to take the opportunity to snatch this badge (see above image) and create your own Honesty Meme even if you never post it. I found it to be an interesting self-exploration.