Confession

While visiting another blog yesterday, I had the chance to read someone else's "100 things about me" list. So I dragged out the list I made 2 years ago and began reviewing. #60 made me stop and think.

60. I always wanted to be a stay at home mother, until I was one

I've always wanted to be a mother. For as far back as I can remember I have been the nurturer in the family, the care taker, the role model (god help us all!), but especially the mother figure. I just knew that I'd be a great mother. Don't laugh - we all have to have a dream in life, right?

So I set my sights on being a mother. I would have the perfect children with the perfect husband. They would be well fed and well groomed, the house would be immaculate, we would share hours upon hours of quality time together playing games and singing songs. I, of course, would not have to work outside the home because I would have the perfect husband and he would be providing for all of our fiscal needs. Life would be idyllic.

Mmmm hmmm. Now you can laugh. I was so naive.

As far as I'm concerned, I have the perfect children (or about as perfect as any child can be and still be considered human). I love them to pieces and would move heaven and earth to make sure they always have the things (phyical and emotional) that they need along with many of their wants. But the whole stay at home mom thing? It just wasn't for me. It still isn't.

I truly admire those women who are able to be stay at home mothers and who actually enjoy it. I've met several mothers who are SAHM who do it because it's expected but who are not happy about it - much like I was.

I went from being a full time, primary wage earner into a full time, stay at home mother living in a new city with no new circle of friends/social contacts/family support while dealing with post partum depression and a collapsing marriage. I felt isolated, I felt like I had no contribution, I felt like I had no decision about finances because I wasn't the one bringing home the money. Basically it felt like my whole world had been turned upside down and I no longer recognized my life. And I hated it.

I didn't hate my kids - they were always recognized for being the blessings that they are. And having struggled to have them, there was never a day when I said "I wish I didn't have kids." But to reclaim just a small piece of that former life... just a fraction of the ability to spend time with other adults and feel like I could buy yarn or material for a project without having to justify and explain and have the wage earner's stamp of approval... that was what I longed for.

The children were 20 months old and 8 months old respectively when I was asked what I wanted for Christmas. My husband was working 3rd shift and between the children I was still getting up 2-3 times per night. I had not slept for more than 3 hours at a time in almost 2 years. But I still remember the look of abject horror on the face of my spouse when I responded "$20 in my pocket, a full tank of gas and no husband or kids for 24 hours.". Really, who hasn't thought of wanting a break from the day in, day out routines of life? It's not like I said I wish I'd never had a husband or kids.

So I found myself in a position where I could pull my hair out or I could do something about the house bound, stir crazy life I was leading as a stay at home mom and I decided to do some respite care on Saturday afternoons - twice a month take a developmentally disabled but high functioning young woman (20ish) out into the community to go bowling, see a movie, have lunch/dinner, go shopping., etc. Wow! I could do something that was all mine, social, didn't cost me a thing (expenses and mileage were reimbursed), and that gave me a pay check. Ok, it was a very very small paycheck, but a paycheck none the less that I could use for my crocheting and sewing habits. And it was on Saturday afternoons when hubby would have a chance to come home from his Friday overnight, catch a few hours of sleep (ie 6 hours) before I had to go off to do respite. He didn't work Saturday overnights and liked to get up early afternoon so that he could sleep overnight before church on Sundays anyway. It seemed like the perfect solution, and it was for a little while.

Then I was asked to do an emergency respite for a child who had lost their afterschool program due to staffing issues. There were only 3 weeks of school left and they didn't want to hire someone to replace the aide when she would be entering a different summer program anyway. I could take the children with me if I had to so I didn't have to reply on hubby for child care. Could I do it?

That was the beginning of the end of my stay at home mom experience. Once I got back into the habit of leaving the house every day, even if just for a couple of hours, I began to look forward to going to work. Work became the new "me time", a way of having a break from the children and the housework. And work gave me a rediscovered sense of freedom. And I resented even more the notion that in order to be a good mother I shouldn't want to work outside the home. That I should be happy being at home with my kids full time.

Arrrggghhhh -- yes, even today I pull hair out at that notion. When I take vacation and the kids and I are together for long periods of time (even though they are older and more self sufficient), I still find myself looking forward to going back to work and reclaiming that routine. And it still bothers me that there are people who would judge that comment and say that I'm not a good mother because I like time away from my children. To them I say, "pppllllllfffffttttt" and I won't even apologize for spitting on them while saying it.

If you are one of those stay at home moms who is perfectly content to be doing that, great! Wonderful! In those situations I think it is in the best interest of the child to stay at home with a loving, nurturing parent and avoid the perils and costs associated with day care.

But if you are one of those stay at home moms who is pulling their hair out, I would say from personal experience, don't just do it because it's expected; do it because you love doing it. And if you don't love being a SAHM find out why, and then do something about that issue. Your children will be happier and you will be happier if you balance your needs with theirs.

Yup, I always wanted to be a stay at home mother, until I was one. Now I'm very much happier with my life and my role as a mother without the "stay at home" part. That's my confession for the day.