The Perfect Family?

First of all, let me state, that it does not exist. It just doesn't. No way, no how. No matter what we want, think, desire or strive for perfection in this lifetime is not going to happen. Happy families, yes. Successful families, yes. Perfect families, no.

I grew up knowing that my family was far from perfect. In fact, you could say that we not only put the fun in dysFUNctional, we are the reference in the encyclopedia where it says "see also". HOWEVER, I love my family. And I love them even more that I understand some of the why's and how's that I was unable to comprehend as a youth or even as a young adult. But I always dreamed of living in the perfect family. If I was just good enough it would happen - I would be rescued from the horrible, deplorable, abusive conditions and be placed into a family that was going to be "perfect". Obviously it wasn't as horrible and abusive as I remember it or someone would have done something to change things, right?

OK so I've had that reality check. And you know that old adage about the grass being greener...? Ummm yeah. For as much as my family drives me nuts sometimes, they are much preferable to some of the options out there. But even with all of the craziness in the world, my want for my children to have a perfect family hasn't changed. I see it as a goal to work toward, not just an impossible dream. But there are some big obstacles - really stubborn ones and some that we have to work around because we can't move them.

Mother, I wish I could have this conversation with you. I know that your brain is basically mush now from all of the MS, mental illness and Alzheimer stuff but you need to know that your children love you. I've always loved you, even when you've made it difficult. I understand the abuse in your own life made it difficult for you to confront the abuse in my life, but that didn't mean you were not responsible for protecting me anyway. I'm allowed to be angry that you looked at what was happening, participated in what was happening and then turned away when I needed you most. I'm allowed to grieve the relationship I never had with you. And I'm allowed to want an apology. But I know I'll never have the chance to reconnect and try to heal the mother/daughter relationship. I miss your talents and I miss your perseverance. But mostly, I miss you. I just want my mom, the one who was supposed to love and hold and nurture me, to put her arms around me and help me be a mom. I want you to know that I take the lessons you taught me and use them in positive ways to show my children that they are loved and protected and secure in their relationships with their parents and siblings.

Daddy. Dear Daddy. There is so much I still don't know about you, things that may see so trivial to many children but things that are nonetheless important to me. I learned so much about your childhood when the children were working on their "When Grandpa Was..." project. Why do we have to have this wall between us and have the "unspoken years"? I feel like each time we talk we get a little bit closer to a whole lot of unspoken feelings. I'm not angry with you anymore for not having been around when I was growing up. I'm sad that we missed out on all of the sharing that could have happened. The memories that my children are creating with their father now remind me of all the things we might have been able to have memories of together. My biggest fear is that you will leave again and I'll never have a chance to make more memories with you. We know that day is getting closer and closer as your health declines, but I'm not ready to let you go. I wish we lived closer. This 600 mile divide may as well be 6000 miles at times. I know. It can't change any time soon, but I still wish for it.

My sisters and I have a renewed relationship with each other. We all got stuck with the stubborn gene [not always a good thing] and we all got stuck with a parent who delighted in pitting one child against another in order to fulfill her needs that no one be loved more than her. Somehow we've finally started figuring it all out and have realized that we don't want to be like the other women in our family. My grandmother died a lonely alcoholic who bled to death in her livingroom after hitting her head, falling in a drunken stupor. She had shut herself away from family for so long that my sisters didn't even really know who she was, and sorting through her estate last summer made us realize that time is too short and life is too precious to let other people interfer in our relationships with each other.

My brothers, on the other hand, have drifted to other areas of the country, other parts of the world and elect to have nothing to do with any family member - the occassional spammed email perhaps so we know they are still alive. Wouldn't it be great if we could get all of the brothers and sisters, their kids and their parents together for a family reunion? Unfortunately, it would have the makings of being a roomful of strangers with no clue who to talk to or what to talk about.

So much for the perfect family, eh?

That's ok, I'll meet Mr. Wonderful. We'll get married and start our own pefect family, right? Can anyone say, "the best made plans..."?

Every family has it own challenges. And I'm sure that anyone looking at my own family dynamics would say I have no right to comment upon the dynamics of any other family but let's face it, when you marry you become part of your spouse's family and even divorce doesn't end some of those relationships.

I married a man who's mother I adored. I really thought she had her stuff together. In many ways she does. But man, that woman is one cracker short of a snack some days. Never in all of my life have a run across anyone who is so deeply critical of other people and who will use money and possessions to attempt to buy affections and loyalties while at the same time she attempts to undermine the relationships of those whose love she is trying to buy. She just doesn't get that it doesn't - it can't - work that way. She also doesn't get why she's now been cut off from the children. Can't have anything to do with her constant criticism of the parents of these children. Can't have anything to do with her manipulative behaviors. Can't have anything to do with her trashing the religious upbringing of the children. Can't have anything to do with her inability to cooperate with the most simple of "rules" set up and sanctioned by family court regarding her interactions with the children. Nope, it must be that we're all a bunch of idiots who should subject 2 of the 4 grandchildren to her holier than thou attitudes. The other 2 grandchildren are never acknowledged by her - seriously, she sued for grandparent visition for 2 of the 4 grandchildren even though all 4 grandchildren live in the same home. But we're the ones with mental issues. Go figure. The really sad thing is, this woman has so much to offer the children in terms of being an example of hard work, ingenuity, setting priorities. She does love them. I have no doubt about that. I just wish that she wasn't equating love with things. She still pops up at the weirdest times with questions about what to do with a box of old children's tapes even though she wasn't concerned about what to do with boy child's golf clubs or legos (things he continues to enjoy) or with the doll house that grandpa made for girl child. She gets all teary remembering how much fun they had with their things and thinks it's sad that they don't get to enjoy them now. She doesn't get that the fun wasn't in the things, it was in the visit. Besides, if she was really that worried about the kids being able to enjoy these things, she could have called to ask if we wanted any of that instead of just asking about music the children outgrew many moons ago. [note: this exchange actually just happened within the past couple of days even though the kids have had zero contact for over 3 years now] Anyway, that grandma no longer participates in anyway with the children and it really is her own fault. She had every opportunity and an unlikely ally. But she elected to throw away the opportunity because things weren't done her way.

Sometimes I question that decision. After all, none of us are perfect and how would I feel if my kids cut me off from my grandchildren? But then I remember that my first obligation is to my children, not to their extended family. It's my job to protect them, when possible, from things that would make their life unsafe or unhealthy. Unfortunately sometimes that means protecting them from family. I can no more let her play her mental games than I would allow someone to physically abuse my children. And I don't think that a lot of people understand that there really isn't a difference. I remember the physical abuses and the molestation as a youth. It wasn't easy to deal with - some days I still deal with it. Abuse in all forms has a lasting effect on everyone that it touches. But the mental abuses, man oh man, I don't think there is ever a way to totally free yourself of that sort of abuse.

Grandpa on that side of the family also chooses to be uninvolved. Now this is something that has carried over from the days of my exhusband's youth and is not really a surprise. For awhile it seemed like he was making an effort for the sake of the kids, but now there's nothing again. I don't know if he feels that he cannot be involved because of the situation with his son's mother or if it's just an inherent part of his personality to avoid relationships. I do know that he is missing out on 4 really great kids. I hope he finds it in himself, someday, to reach out to his son so that the kids get a chance to know their grandpa before grandpa isn't available to know.

The one person on that side of the family who has continued to try and have a relationship with my kids is my ex husband's sister. She doesn't live in the area and depends a great deal on my willingness to share information, pictures, etc with her. She has, apparently, tried to reach out to her brother without positive result. I cannot begin to explain the change in him about his attitude toward his family members, but because she does want to have a relationship with the kids and it's one of those "normal, healthy" ones - you know where there is no manipulation or expection just a bunch of interest and sharing of life I'm the go between in that relationship and it's a bit weird from time to time - the kids get caught in the middle if they acknowledge interaction with their aunt to their dad and step mom. I sort of get their position that if she wants to have a relationship with the kids they should go through them and interact with all 4 kids. But if they're not going to let her interact (and she's done nothing "wrong") why should she not try to keep up with the ones she can?

I guess the reason I've always felt so strongly about helping the kids be involved with their dad's family is that I remember the non-interactions of my father, of my mother's mother, of the half truths of my father's parents and of the isolation we had from other extended relatives. I don't want that for my kids. I want them to know their relatives, warts and all, where it's appropriate. Someday they're going to be adults [god willing] and they'll be able to make their own choices about with whom, when and how they incorporate these people into their lives.

Family is important. Family is what life is all about. If only we could have that perfect family. Sigh... I know.